Smeg Raider
by Severa1
Summary: A Tomb Raider/Red Dwarf crossover. You will appreciate it more if you have seen Tomb Raider but it's still a funny read, nonetheless! All you really need to know to understand some bits, is that Hillary and Rimmer are the same actor (Chris Barrie forever
1. What Does This Button Do?

Summary: A Tomb Raider/Red Dwarf Crossover

Summary: A Tomb Raider/Red Dwarf Crossover. (Who could resist?) Da Boyz once again find a way to defy time and space, and must now face a rather vexed butler. With Bryce's new invention, Lara and Bryce find themselves 3million years in the future. Plus, Lara makes a startling revelation (with some help from Rimmer of course)! 

**** __

A/N: For the purposes of my story, Rimmer is hard light, they have the Red Dwarf, and Holly is female. It just makes things easier for me. 

Part 1-- What Does This Button Do? 

"So, what is it?" The cat asked.

"Well sirs," Kryten said, "remember that matter transporter I found a few years ago that landed us on Wax World?"

"Yeah, I do," Lister gave Rimmer the evil eye from where he was listening, on his top bunk.

Rimmer turned away from Lister's accusing gaze and cleared his throat in embarrasment. "Yes, well, no need to

go rehashing the past. Besides, Kryten, you were about to tell us about this _fascinating _device?"

"Indeed. You see that one only transported us through space. I believe that this new one I found can transport us through space _and_ time!"

"Convenient how we always find these things just laying about, isn't it?" Rimmer observed.

"Sounds like the smegging Time Drive." Lister pointed out.

"Indeed it does sir, but this one can only take us to the past."

"So, it's like a crappier model?"

"Yes, well, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who can figure out how to use it, so we don't have to worry about a repeat performance of that whole JFK incident. Besides, it will serve our purpose."

"Our purpose being, what, exactly?" Rimmer stood up, arms folded, and obviously not liking what Kryten was getting at.

"To test it, sir. So please, will you each grab a paddle?"

"BRUTAL!" Lister leapt off his bunk and almost landed on Cat, who was sitting on the floor in front of the bunks.

"Watch it, monkey! I don't want whatever you manage to pickup on the bottom of those boots getting on my suite!" Cat stood, brushed himself off, and went to take hold of one of the paddles with Lister and Kryten.

Rimmer stood apart from them, lips pursed, arms folded, and right leg jiggling. "Come on, Rimmer, you're holding us up."

"Nope."

"You're such a smegging coward."

"I'm _not_ a coward! I'm just being practical. What if you find yourselves in the middle of a war again? Do you really want me down there, intervening?"

Lister considered this for a moment. "I guess you're right, Rimmer. So, it's just you and Holly. No wild parties while we're away!" With that, the three of them disappeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, what is it?" Hillary was examining the device that Bryce had just presented to Lara and himself.

"Behold and be amazed! For I, Bryce Turing, the greatest technical genius ever born has created-"

"Get on with it, Bryce." Lara was not impressed with his grand display.

"They said it couldn't be done, but it _can_ be done, and _I_ have DONE IT!"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Lara and Hillary shouted together.

"I have created the world's first, fully functional, Time Machine!"

"What, this?" Hillary picked up the gizmo again in disbelief. "It's just a little black cube with a button on it!"

"Yeah, complex in it's simplicity," Bryce said, dreamily.

Lara took the "time machine" from her butler and examined it herself. "So this is suppose to send a human anywhere in time?" The unconvinced tone was as clear as Hillary's had been.

"And space!" Bryce interjected, quite pleased with himself. 

Lara looked it over carefully, her inborn curiosity and desire for adventure, took her over. _What does this button do?_ One elegant finger pushed the little black button.

"No, Lara, wait! Don't...." Bryce grabbed Lara's wrist, but it was too late. The archeologist and the geek disappeared right before Hillary's eyes and three men (or something close to) appeared.

~*~*~*~*

"Whoa, eh, what a ride!"

"Yeah, but where are we?" Cat asked, looking around. The room was filled with computers and other technical equipment. "Are we on some other ship?"

"I don't think so." Kryten was looking through the room's transparent doors and noticed the stately hall of the manor lying outside of their current position. "And I do believe we shouldn't be so concerned with _where_ we

are, but _when_."

"That is a very good question, Kryt," Lister said.

Then a strangely familiar voice came from behind them, "If you would excuse me gentlemen, but I have some rather good questions myself. Like, who the hell are you?"

The Boys spun around. "Rimmer?" Lister was very confused.

"What?" The other man was equally as confused.

Okay, so this guy wasn't Rimmer, but he sure looked all the hell like him. Same curly hair (but this guy's was a bit more tamed), same hazel eyes, same nose complete with stupid flared nosrtils. The differences were subtle. He didn't have that smug look about him nor was his voice so whiney.

"Hey, what's with the Captain Sadness clone?"

"Yeah, man, who are you?"

"I believe I asked you first."

Kryten stepped forward, "Pardon us, sir. I am Kryten, this is Mr. Lister and this is Mr. Cat."

"Yes, that explains everything, doesn't it?" Oh, he had Rimmer's sarcasm, though.

"And you, who are you then?"

"My name is Hillary Winston."

"Ah, very good," Kryten continued, "Now can tell us where we are?"

"You're in Croft Manor."

"England?" Lister was getting excited.

"Yes."

"So we're on Earth?"

"Last time I checked, yes."

"YEEEEEES!" Lister started doing a dance, resembling a jig, around the room.

"But what year is it?" For once, Cat was being practical.

Though Hillary was getting a bit weirded out by the trio's questions and that little man's dancing about, he decided to continue giving information. "2001."

Lister stopped his dance. "Wow, that's a long time ago, in' it? Ah well, I am HOME!" He started his dance again.

"I'm very happy for you, I'm sure, but would some one explain to me how you got here and why you just happened to arrive as my two friends vanished?" The angularly featured one shifted is gaze from the one with pointy teeth, to the one still dancing, then gave Hillary a "this will take some time" look. Hillary sighed. "I'll go put some tea on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"-push the button!" Bryce sighed when he realised the sentence he just finished was futile.

"hmmm, impressive."

"I could have told you that before you pushed the bloody button!'

"What is your problem? Did you _not_ want to use it? Rather silly, you create something you never intend to use!" 

Bryce looked around. "I wonder when we are..."

"I'm a bit concerned with _where_." Lara went a few steps down the corridor and found a window port. "Oh, shit."

"Indeed," Bryce followed her, shaking the little box, "I think you broke it." Then he saw what Lara saw, "Blimey!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, Rimmer was going to get some peace and quite for a while, maybe forever if there has been a cock up in

the others' trip. Hmm...that thought _should_ have cheered him up...

"Arn?"

"What, Hol?" He has just laid back in his bunk wanting to sleep, but Holly just had to interrupt.

"Um, intruder alert?"

"Why was that a question? Is there or is there not an intruder alert?"

"Yes."

It was at times like these that he wished he could punch that stupid face on the screen and cause her severe pain for being such a goit. "Okay, let's say there are intruders, how did they get on?"

"Dunno, just appeared when Lister and the others left."

"And these 'intruders', what are they?"

"Human: Male and Female."

Rimmer bolted up from his bunk. "Female? Are you sure? Where are they?"

"Yes. Yes. And headed this direction."

"WHAT???!!!" They were coming his way, and one of them a woman!? He dashed to the sink with the mirror above and did a quick preening. He checked his teeth, ran a hand through his hair, straightened his uniform, decided that his curls looked too frizzy, so he bent down, collected some water in his hands and wetted down his hair. As he straightened up he saw in the mirror the two "intruders" walk in. He started and quickly spun around to face them.

The man wasn't even looking at him, he was fidgeting with some object. The woman, the woman was gorgeous! Her skin was tan, with an athletic body covered by simple blue-jeans and a white tank top. Her chestnut hair was tied back in a long braid revealing her full lips and bright eyes. And _no man_ could over look that chest! He could feel his eyes readying to fall out and his mouth gaping. _God, I must be looking like a complete idiot! No wonder she's looking at me strangely. Okay Arn, break the ice, no hypnotism though, this one doesn't look like she'd fall for it..._

He swallowed hard. "Uh, hello." Now the man's head snapped up and gave him the same strange look. Rimmer decided it was time go into his macho routine. Straightening his posture and lifting his chin, he said, "My name's, Rimmer, Arnold J. Rimmer. I am commander of this vessel and you are intruding on _my_ turf! Now, you either tell me who you are and what you are doing here or I'm going to have to assume you are hostile and I will get violent." _Oh, please don't be hostile!_

The man sniggered, and said softly to the woman, though Rimmer could hear it, "Get a load of this! I mean he

looks like-" The woman elbowed the man roughly and finally lost her quizzical stare.

The woman took a step forward, Rimmer took an involuntary step back, though he was already pressed against

the sink. The action seemed to amuse the woman and she smiled. "It's alright, I'm not going to hurt you," she

said as if talking to a stray puppy. But oooh, boy did this bird have a sexy voice! "My name's Lara Croft. The grease stain behind me is my associate, Bryce."

/associate!/ HA! Good, the bloke wasn't a boyfriend or anything. Ol' Rimsy had a chance! Suddenly, he didn't care about how she got here, just as long as she's here! _Now, just don't do anything jerky. No need for her to know you're a smeghead._

"I don't know the science about how we got here, but it was by that black box Bryce is trying to fix."

__

Try to fix? So it was broken! She won't be leaving anytime soon, and he wants to keep her here as long as he can. Still, offering a form of assistance will make him look like he cares and wants to help get her back will earn him points! "Perhaps if you go to the science lab, Holly could help you."

"Who's Holly?" Bryan, or whatever his name was, looked up from his little toy again.

"That'd be me, deary." Holly appeared on the room's vid screen.

"Wow, that's the computer?" Ew, was it just Rimmer's imagination, or was the little geek drooling over Holly?

"Yes, why don't you run along and sort out you're little problem, eh?" _Yes, go, let Lara and I get more acquainted!_

"Well, how am I suppose to find my way to said Science lab?"

"I'll show you the way, deary!" Holly gave a wink and a smile. Ger-ose. At last, they finally left.


	2. The Scent of a Woman

Today's Special Guest Star: Dervla Nightshade

Today's Special Guest Star: Dervla Nightshade! 

Part 2: The Scent of a Woman 

_Leave them alone for only one minute..._ It was evening at Croft Manor, and Hillary seemed to have lost his distinguished guests. They told him everything from the whole thing about being from 3million years in the future, and how the trip here had broke the device that would let them go back. If he had any other employer, all of that might have seemed strange. Seeing that his new friends weren't leaving any time soon and Lara was still AWOL he decided to straighten up some of the rooms for them to sleep in. All he needed now was to show them where to go. If he could find them.

Checking all the different rooms, he found Kryten in the laundry room, close to tears. "Uh, Kryten, something the matter?"

"Oh no, Mr. Hillary sir! It's just that you have such a nice laundry room! It has everything! Just look at this

iron! State of the art for your time!" The mechanoid waved the iron in front of the butler.

"Yes, thank you, I think... Kryten, where are your colleagues? I have rooms set up for them, but I can't seem to

find them."

Kryten set the iron down and thought for a second. "Where does this Mistress of your's sleep?"

Sure enough, Hillary and Kryten found Cat and Lister in Lara's bedroom, laying face down on Lara's bed, and inhaling her pillows deeply. "Wow," the Cat was saying, voice muffled by the pillow, "who ever she is, she sure smells great!"

"Yeah, sweet, man. I bet she was good looking girl!" Lister concurred.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You're disgusting! Get out! Right now!" Hillary pulled the two men off the bed and shoved them out the door.

Lister turned to him in despare. "Come on, man, do you know how long it's been since we've been able to smell a girl?"

"No, and frankly," Hillary took a key ring out of his pocket and proceeded to lock Lara's door, "I really don't care. Now I prepared some rooms for you. If you would follow me..."

"Do you have a picture of her?"

"What?"

"A picture, man, that's all we ask! Just let us see what she looks like and we swear we won't try to smell or do anything to anything else of hers."

Hillary looked between the two men with their pleading faces and gave in. Besides, it would mean he didn't have to worry about them trying to go through the laundry to find her knickers. "Fine, follow me."

He led the entire trio to his own room. He picked up the framed polaroid off his night stand of Lara in the white dress. "Here." He handed the photo to Lister.

Lister and Cat both let out whistles. "Damn," was Cat was able to say.

"No kidding, man. What size is she?"

"34D."

Lister's head snapped up at the immediate response. An impish smirk crossed his features. "And how do you know that one so fast?"

Hillary shook his head. "I do her laundry, I've been doing it for years, I am going to notice once in a while what the tags say. Besides, she once proudly announced it to me one day."

"Yeah, but I could have been askin' about her shoes. You're the one who immediately jumped at her cup size!"

Hillary reddened slightly and cleared his throat. "Yes, well, enough of this adolescent ogling and turn in. Gentlemen, this way to your rooms."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Rimmer and Lara were alone in the quarters he shared with Lister. They sat at the table. Lara had one elbow on the table and her chin resting on her hand. The other hand's fingers were drumming on the tabletop. Rimmer sat across from her, hands folded and sitting in his lap. His right leg nervously jiggling, and he kept his gaze at an embarrassed downward at floor position. 

Lara had enough of the awkward silence and decided to cut it. "So, Mr. Rimmer-"

Rimmer looked up at her, "Call me Arn, or Arnold, whatever you prefer...You can call me Mr. Rimmer if you want. Don't matter to me, everyone calls me Rimmer anyway. Oh, dear, I just rambled there, didn't I?"

Lara laughed. "It's okay, I don't mind. Anyway, Arn, I was thinking that I would like to see more of the ship. I would love a tour."

"Well, we couldn't do a complete tour. It would take almost a year to go through the entire ship. Still, I suppose I could show you a little more."

"Sounds fine. Really, I could just use a good walk and some company." She stood and stretched.

Rimmer couldn't believe his luck! Here he was alone with a gorgeous woman who wanted his company! Well, she didn't have much choice, but she could have decided to go with that associate of hers or just go off on her own. Surprisingly, he hadn't tried to make any moves on her. Well, she was a bit intimidating, If he tried anything, she could really inflict some pain.

A few minutes later, the two of them walked along the Dwarf's corridors and Lara had Rimmer talking about his favourite subject: Himself. "So, you're dead, and now you're a hologram?"

"Yep."

She stopped and took his hand. /Oh God, she's touching me!/ She seemed to be examing it. "Extraordinary. One

would never know if not for that thing on your head."

"Yeah, the daily reminder."

"Well, what do you like? What are you interested in?" Lara asked, changing the subject.

"Nothing that interests you."

"Try me." It was almost disturbing how nice Lara was being to him. He wasn't use to it.

"Okay." He crossed his arms. In some strange way he wanted her to be turned off by his hobbies, it would prove him right anyway. "I like Hammond Organ music, Morris dancing, I have a lovely photo collection of 20th Century telegraph poles, and I love to play Risk."

Lara laughed again. In fact she started laughing right after he finished the first item on his list. What was it that she was finding so amusing? She gained some composure, "Sorry, it's not you, really. I like Risk, actually. Do you have a board? I wouldn't mind playing to past the time."

Rimmer perked up. "Really? You're not joking?"

Lara shook her head. "No joke, come on, I'm sure we can find one..."

"Hello there!" Holly appeared on a wall screen beside them. "Come on down to the science lab, Brycie reckons he's got it all sorted out!"

Lara gave Rimmer an apologetic look. "Sorry, Arn, maybe some time later?"

Rimmer scowled as he led Lara to the science room. _Smeg, smeg, smegging smeg! _~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Where's the curry?"

"We do not have any."

"Not have any? How am I suppose to survive?"

"Eat something else!"

"Yeah, but look at this stuff! It's all healthy!"

"Lara is a very active woman, she needs healthy food to keep in shape and some foods help with stamina."

"Like oysters?"

"Never mind. Why don't you go help Kryten with whatever he is doing? And what happened to the Cat?"

"Cat's asleep in the library. Besides, I'd only be getting in Kryt's way."

"Then go and do something else! Why do you have to keep hanging around me for? You were all excited about being on earth when you first got here, go for a walk and experience it!"

"Right, I will." Lister stuck his tongue out at Hillary behind his back and went for his walk. Truth be told, he just liked getting on this guy's pecs. Rimmer wasn't around to provide the opportunity to annoy the smeg out of some one, so this look-a-like would have to do for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rimmer, Lara, and Bryce were in the science lab. Bryce sat at a workstation holding the little box. "right then, Lara, touch my shoulder or something, just as long as you're touching me in some way so that it will take you, too." Lara walked up behind Bryce and placed a hand on his shoulder. She gave Rimmer a rueful smile and nodded to Bryce. "Right then, here goes nothing."

He pushed the button. They didn't vanish. Instead a young woman appeared. She was disoriented for second, but seemed to gain her bearings after a moment. She started jumping up and down in excitement and squealed, "Yes, yes, yes! She did it! She found a way!" She hopped around the room a bit and stopped in front of Lara. "Oh my God, I love you so much!" The strange lady flung her arms around Lara's neck and kissed her full on the lips. 

She left the stunned Lara and set her sights on the curly-haired man standing across the room. She flung herself at the hologram making him lose his balance. She kissed him more fully, getting some tongue action in as well. She finally broke away, giving Rimmer the abilty to breathe. She pouted a bit. "If Lister was here, we could really have some fun!"

"Well, he's not!" Rimmer said, pushing the looney away from him.

"Hmmm, but Bryce is here...." She got a very disturbing expression that was a mix of pure of evil and deep thought.

"Please, make her go away!" Rimmer pleaded.

Bryce pushed the button again and the girl dissapeared. He examined his box again, feeling a bit dejected: He was the only one not to get a good snog from the interesting stranger. "Still need to get some kinks out. This will be awhile."

"I'll always help, Brycie!" Holly was very eager.

Lara looked at Rimmer. "Well, Arn, seems we may get to play that game after all!"

Rimmer yawned, "tomorrow maybe, I've had a rather busy day."

"We all have."

"Come on, let's find you some quarters for you to use."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right, that was it. Hillary had about enough of these people's shenanigans. Cocking his shotgun, he made his way to the laundry room, where he was pretty damn sure that either Lister or Cat was breaking his promise. If they were not going to take him seriously, it was time to make sure they understood he wasn't going to tolerate...Oh, it was just the android. "Kryten, what are you doing?"

"The laundry, sir."

"So I've noticed. Any particular reason why?"

"Oh, Sir, do you have any idea how long it's been since I've done any laundry?" He was almost in tears again.

"For as long as it has been since your two friends has smelled a woman?"

"Oh, no, sir. It has been three days for me. THREE DAYS!!!"

Hillary was getting uncomfortable. "Um, yes, well I'll just let you to it, then. Far be it for me to stop you from getting your strange joy for doing the whites...." Hillary shook his head and left. He was sure if these people didn't leave soon, they were going to drive him mad.

Pump-action shotgun still in hand, Hillary still had two unaccounted-for guests to find. As he passed Lara's room, he checked the door to make sure it was still locked. It was. Yet, he still got a sneaking suspicion that just maybe...somehow...no, impossible! Then again... He took out his keys and unlocked the door. Entering, he found Cat asleep on her bed. "What do you think you are doing!?''

The cat woke with a start. "Hey man, keep the noise down! I'm getting my beauty sleep!" Hillary leveled his shotgun at Cat's head. Cat looked at the gun, then looked around the room, and turned back to Hillary, acting surprised. "Hey! How did I get in here? Where am I?" He gave the butler a very unconvincing grin.

"If I ever catch you in here again, I will not hesitate to blow your bloody head off."

Cat jumped off the bed and headed for the door. "Sure buddy, anything you say." He dashed down the hall to find a new place to sleep and hide from the butler.

Two down, one to go. Lister was in the tech room. "Right. Now, what are _you_ doing?"

"Just seeing if I can help fix this thing, and get us home. Besides, who do you think you are, our babysitter? You don't have to go hunting us down if we're out of your site for more than five minutes." Lister emphasized "hunting" by indicating the shotgun with his head.

Hillary decided to sit down at a station not far from Lister. "You three are worse than any children I had to baby-sit in my youth."

Lister let out a laugh. "You were young once? Figured you were born old by the way you act. Come on, what do you do for fun?"

"What?"

"You know, at the end of the day and all your butling is done, what do you like to do?"

"I don't know, read I guess."

"Ooh, Hillary, what an exciting life you lead!"

"Lara goes out and has enough excitement for five people, I'm quite content with a quiet life style."

Lister studied the other man for second and stated quietly, "You must miss her, this Lara lady."

Hillary sighed. "Not nearly as much as I worry about her. If she's not going to do it herself, some one has to."

"I'm sure she's safe," Lister reassured him.

"And if she does make it back, she better have that geek with her or my life surely won't be as interesting as it is now."

Lister nodded. He understood what Hillary meant. There is that one person in everyone's life that when you see them everyday you want nothing more than to _not_ see them, but when faced with the prospect of never seeing him again, it can be quite saddening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lara looked up as Bryce entered the quarters Rimmer provided for her. He didn't look happy. "No luck, then?" Bryce shook his head. Lara sat down at the edge of the bunk and sighed. "Hillary must be having a nervous breakdown wondering what happened to us."

"We are facing the possibility that we could be stuck here, and all you're thinking about is how Hillary _might_ be doing? Then again, you probably don't want to leave, seeing how friendly you are with the Rimmer chappie."

Lara rolled her eyes. "Bryce he's the only person here, of course I'm going to try and be cordial. Besides," Lara smirked, "I think he's kind of adorable."

Bryce screwed his face up in disgust. "Adorable? Lara, the guy looks JUST like Hillary! I feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone when I see him. And you think he's adorable? Ick!"

"It's also very sweet, how hard he tries."

"How hard he tries to what?"

"Impress me! It's different than the way most guys are. Most men can't keep their eyes above my neck, or give me some oily chat-up line, or try to impress me by being all macho. He's just trying not to offend, or upset me, or make himself look stupid infront of me. It's cute....and so is he."

Bryce's eyes narrowed. "Lara, do you think Hillary's cute?"

"I've never said I _didn't_ think he's cute."

"Ugh. Oh God, Lara, I DID NOT need to hear that! Excuse me while I go vomit."

"Oh, like there is nothing disgusting about you and that computer."

"Holly?"

"A computer with the appearance of a blonde female, it's your dream come true. You're just disappointed that there is no way to bonk her."

"Stop being sick, Lara. At least I'm not being a necropheliac!"

"Did I say I was going to sleep with, Arnie? No, all I said was that I thought he was cute. If I went to bed if every guy I thought was cute I-"

"Would have already slept with Hillary."

Lara let out an exasperated breath. "Good night Bryce."

"Ha! See, you're avoiding the subject!"

"Good night, Bryce."

"Fine, fine, I'm going." Bryce left and when he passed Rimmer going down the corridor, he made a visible shudder.

Rimmer scowled at Bryce and knocked on Lara's door. "Come in." Her back was turned to him as she situated the blankest on the bunk to her liking.

"So, you're settling in?"

"Yep."

"Good. I hope everything is to your satisfaction."

"It's fine, Hillary, thank you."

Rimmer started. "What did you call me?"

Lara turned around with a look of realising what she just said. "Oh, sorry, Arn. It's just that you look and sound so much like a friend of mine. Bryce and I were just discussing it."

"Ah, well, interesting. I, uh, well, sleep well and if you need anything you know where to find me." He said this with an overwhelming amount of hand gestures, it just made Lara laugh. "Yes, good night, Lara. Pleasant dreams and all that."

"You too, Arn." She gave into her impulse and gave hin a kiss on the cheek. He went quite red and got a goofy smile. He mumbled another "good night" and continued talking incoherently as he left for his own quarters. Lara frowned. _Good move, now he probably won't be able to get to sleep tonight_. She shrugged. Oh, well. She just hoped Bryce could get enough sleep so he can get a fresh start on fixing that time machine. She was actually getting a little home-sick. 

__

A/N: Aah man, it got angsty! I can't help it. something about Hillary inspires it in me! Butler Angst as I like to call it. Now Lara's feeling homesick! I am the Angst Queen. It always ends up in my fics.

Let's applaud Dervla for her outstanding performance! *applause*


	3. The New Revelation

Part three--The New Revelation 

Part three--The New Revelation 

Hillary, for once, found the trio together. They were in the tech room actually working on fixing their matter transporter. It was quite convenient for him, for he had his own observation he wanted to present to them. "Good Afternoon, gentlemen."

"Hey, Hill."

"Good afternoon, Mr. Hillary."

Cat just bared his teeth and hissed.

Hillary stood a bit straighter and clasped his hands behind his back, a posture he took whenever he wanted to make a point. "I've been thinking."

"Congratulations," Lister smirked.

Hillary shot him a very Rimmer-like glare that made Lister's smirk turn into his trademark grin. "As I was saying, before I was so *rudely* interrupted, I've been thinking. It seems that the very instant that Lara and Bryce disappeared, you three showed up. It's like, as strange as this sounds, that when you used your device, it was the exact same 'time' that Lara used Bryce's mechanism. Since both machines have the same use, is it possible that they somehow had some effect on eachother? That whilst both parties travelled through space and time, paths crossed making you end up here and quite possibly sending Lara and Bryce to your ship?" 

Lister lost Hillary's train of thought almost from the start, Kryten contemplated it, and Cat wasn't paying attention at all. He was investigating the many shiney things Bryce left all over the room.

"You may be correct, sir," Kryten said. "It is very plausable."

Lister's brain finally caught up. "So, this Lara chick is on Red Dwarf, with Rimmer? Yipes, that can not be good."

"I wouldn't get concerned, Mr, Lister. I'm sure Miss Croft can take of herself and fend off any of Mr. Rimmer's advances."

"That's what I'm saying! We'll probably go back and find Rimmer's Bee in a million pieces."

Cat looked up from one of Bryce's bugs that he was playing with. "That's 'not good'? That'll be great!"

"If you would pardon me, sirs, if we can cut this idle chatter, I am certain we may be able to repair the transporter and be home before the day is out."

Lister smiled, "Then get to it, man!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rimmer had Lara in a corner. She had just made a massive trade in. She tried to end the game only to find that she did not have enough armies to cut through his fairly large stockpile. Rimmer not only possesed several continents, he also had more cards than her. What was she going to do? Should she declare Rimmer the victor and call it quits? 

No, Never! Although Rimmer occupied most of the board, all of his armies were in one lump with the rest of the board fairly ungaurded. Instead of taking on the lump, she found the easiest way through the bulk. She traded in every thing that she had and abandoned her position. 

Now that she was through the main army, Lara looked at the board and selected the easiest and shortest path through all of the continents. She did not want to occupy these continents, but only to take out at least one territory in each to prevent Rimmer from collecting the extra armies that he needed to finish her off on his next turn.

"Smeg! You're cheating!"

Lara gave him her most evil of smiles and handed him the dice. "I'm not cheating, Arn, I'm just the better skilled."

"Like hell you are," Rimmer grumbled. He accepted the dice and prayed to the God he didn't even believe in. If he didn't get this, it was all over. There was no way, no way, that he was going to lose to this woman who just appeared out of thin air. He was going to get her respect, even if it meant kicking her ass in a game of Risk!

He rolled the dice: Snake eyes. "Dammit!" Rimmer roared, pushing himself away from the table and walking a few paces away from it.

"Settle down, Arn, it's just a game."

He turned and looked at her. "No, it's not. You don't understand. You see, Risk is one of the only things I can say I'm actually good at. Now even in Risk I'm nothing but a loser."

Lara approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're not a loser, Arn. I think you're a very sweet and eccentric person."

"That's because you've only known me for a week." 

Lara now had her arms around Rimmer's neck. She shrugged. "Maybe." She pulled him closer and kissed him. She even opened her mouth to aloow his tongue to slide in. Rimmer's hologramtic heart beat loudly in his ears. Until, that is, Lara moaned into the kiss...some one else's name.

They both pulled away abruptly. Great, he thought he was finally going to make it with a another woman, and like the first, she couldn't even be thinking of _him_.

"Oh, bugger, I did not need to see and hear that at all!" Bryce was in the doorway looking very disgusted.

The name Lara said was "Hillary".

This event turned itself over in Lara's mind. She looked back at Rimmer who was refusing to look back at her. She realised that she really never thought of him as "Rimmer", as he is. She just saw him as this person who looked like Hillary. Did that even make sense? "God, Arn, I'm sorry."

Rimmer only shook his head in response. That's when Holly made her entrance. "Oi, did Brycie tell you the good news?" She looked at dismayed hologram, the confused woman, and the nauseated man, and decided that he hadn't. "Right, what's going on then?"

Bryce managed to speak. "I came in here and found these two, sucking face!"

Holly crinkled her nose. "Well that's no good."

"And that's not the worst bit of it!"

"No, I mean that's no good, because they're related!" All three looked at Holly now in complete shock. "I had a bit of time on my hands so I decided to take a closer look at the Bio-scans I did on you two when you first arrived. Arnold and Lara share genes. In fact, he's a direct descendant! Lara is his great-great-great-great-great-great-etc. Grandmum and so on."

Bryce looked between the two family members. "Yeah, but how is it he looks so much like Hill.... oh, shit. Excuse me while I go vomit."

Rimmer was quite queasy himself, finding out he was just making out with his great-grandmother of a few generations back.

Lara was just as shocked, and still confused. So...her and...Hillary? In a way, it made sense. He was the one person who had _always_ been there. Through every difficult time, after every adventure, she could always turn to him for some stability in her life. "I...love...Hillary? I'm...in love with Hillary!" Suddenly, she was laughing. But the tears in her eyes weren't just from how hard she was laughing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lister found Hillary in the library. "Hey, um, Kryten thinks he's got it all figured out and we're gonna be going in a few minutes."

Hillary nodded. "Great."

"Listen, I want to apologize."

"For what?"

"I know we haven't been the most brilliant of guests, and that anybody else would have thrown us on the street, but you tolerated us and even helped, so thanks."

"I've tolerated far worse."

Lister chuckled, "Yeah, like that Bryce guy you mentioned? I feel him and me would have gotten on pretty well."

Hillary smiled. "Most likely."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bryce came back to finally tell them the original reason why he had come to find them in the first place: He

repaired the Time Box.

Lara turned to Rimmer and gave him a maternal kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Arnie, for everything."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Four men stood in the Tech Room of Croft Manor. Three of them were holding onto paddles of the Matter Transporter. Before Kryten hit the engager, Lister gave a final farewell to their new friend, "Hey. Hillary, if that

girl of yours come backs, throw her a big party for me!" 

They disappeared back to their own time and place.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lara held on to Bryce's arm as he pushed the same button that got them in their current position in the first place. The las thing she saw before vanishing was Rimmer giving her a rather odd salute.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the first thing saw when reappearing was Hillary standing there, waiting for her to return. Something she could always count on. She immediatly ran to him and jumped in his arms.

Hillary was flustered at this display, but finally managed to say, "Welcome back, Lara, you were missed."

"So were you." She looked up at her butler and friend and soon-to-be something more, and smiled. She was so glad to be home.

Bryce through the Time Box on the floor and stepped on it. He went off in search for a descent place to spend the next week vomiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rimmer was still at attention when the rest of the Dwarfers came back. He quickly dropped it, though. "Oh, you're back. I was hoping I would have more time on my own, not having to be bothered by you lot."

"Yeah, I missed you too, smeghead. What's with Holly?"

Holly, was crying. "I'm never going to see him again!" 

"Long story, Listy."

Lister shrugged. "I have time." 

THE END 

__

A/N: ICK! Lara/Hillary? I would never never want that! (Then why did you write it?) I don't know! It just came out that way! EEEEEW

Phew! This is the first fic I ever completed I am so friggin proud of myself!

Credit for the "Risk" strategy goes to Secret Agent X-9.


End file.
